


Internal Conflicts

by TMar



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: F/M, Gender Dysphoria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 22:04:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17067998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TMar/pseuds/TMar
Summary: A Trill symbiont has always wanted to be a woman. He picks Beverly's body for his little jaunt. Picard gets caught in the crossfire.





	Internal Conflicts

**Author's Note:**

> I tagged "gender dysphoria", but can a sexless (androgynous?) symbiont have such a thing? Maybe the symbiont was just curious? At any rate, if discussion of genders and such triggers you, please don't read this.
> 
> I wrote this in April 1994.

INTERNAL CONFLICTS

Creela Denal was not your average Trill. He seemed to be very much in conflict  
with himself over very many things, something which was absolutely unheard of  
among a people whose survival depended on living in symbiosis with another  
biological being. But such a conflicting person was Denal. It was because the  
symbiont was not happy, nor had ever been, really. But this was unknown to  
anyone except the hosts with whom the symbiont, Denal, had joined in  
his/her/its long lifetime. 

Denal, you see, wanted to be a woman, and he had never been. Ever since  
he had been put into the first host and experienced life, he had known that  
a female host was his desire. He also knew that most symbionts were not  
choosy; to them the gender of their host was irrelevant because each had its  
advantages, its joys and sorrows. Symbionts could experience both motherhood  
and fatherhood, could know better than any other being what it was like to be  
a man... and to be a woman. But Denal, having never been a woman, did not  
know, and he wanted to. 

It had been a string of coincidences that had made male hosts available  
every time one of his hosts died. So, after seven lifetimes, Denal was bored.  
Perhaps, he'd often think, if he'd been given a female host the first time,  
he would have gotten used to it and would have been able to accept being  
either one. But it had not been so, and Denal had been... difficult for each  
lifetime. Still, he was a very successful Trill 'troubleshooter' and an  
advantage to his people.

Creela, the host, had never wanted to be anything but a man, and yet,   
now, part of him... It was a difficult concept. It was being one person with   
two sides, but those were more than two halves of one person. He had   
joined with the symbiont literally until death parted them (his death, not   
Denal's) but... sometimes he questioned his decision to compete for the   
right to be a host. Few managed it, so becoming a host was a prestigious   
thing. But none of the others had joined with a symbiont who'd been   
undergoing an identity crisis for seven generations.

***

When he sparkled into form on the Enterprise's transporter platform, Denal was  
surprised to find Commander William T. Riker standing there, looking serious.  
"Welcome on board the Enterprise, Mister Denal. I am..."

"I know. Commander Riker."

Riker looked nonplussed. "Yes. How did..."

"Oh, I met some of your command crew a while back, at a symposium on...  
I forget exactly. The captain and Commander Data, to be exact."

Riker smiled then. "Ah. The captain has been delayed at a Starfleet  
meeting on Betazed, but I'm sure he'll rendezvous with us before we reach your  
destination."

It was only then that Denal remembered he hadn't introduced his  
assistant. "Allow me to introduce my personal assistant, Kilira." 

The woman inclined her head, and Riker allowed himself to appreciate her   
beauty for a moment. He wondered if she, too, was a combined person, but   
didn't think it would be considered polite if he asked that. 

It didn't matter, as Denal caught the look. "And no, Commander, Kilira is not   
a joined being, she is merely my assistant... and a very good medical doctor."

Riker looked from one to the other as he said, "Well, if you will follow  
Lieutenant Worf, he will show you your quarters and explain where to find the  
Holodecks and such."

"Thank you, Commander." They followed Worf out.

***

Beverly had taken it upon herself to give medical exams to any passengers  
who'd be on the Enterprise longer than two weeks. She no longer wanted to find  
things out after the fact... like during autopsies. Autopsies were boring,  
especially since corpses don't talk back. She had Denal and Kilira report the  
next day.

"This is unnecessary, Doctor. Kilira could have done the examination  
herself."

Beverly smiled at the Trill, who could be charming when he so desired.  
"I'm sure, but I want to do it. You're only the third Trill I've ever  
examined, and if anything happens to you I'll need to know what to do."

"I can provide you with much important information, Doctor," said Kilira.

"Thank you. There is still much I don't know, despite the fact that I  
have numerous files on the Trill."

Out of the blue, Denal asked, "Doctor, I believe you're the one who saved  
Odan."

Crusher frowned. "That's right."

"I heard he was in a human for a while... the rest is classified. Is this  
true?"

Beverly merely nodded, a disapproving look on her face. Denal, of course,  
could not know that he'd just opened up an old wound.

"And... the human survived? The assimilation worked?"

"Not very well. W... uh, the human's body ultimately rejected him, er,  
the symbiont. He'd have died if I hadn't removed Odan."

"And then Odan received a female host?"

Beverly nodded again, not knowing she'd just given Denal a very dangerous  
idea...

***

Kilira paced about in Denal's quarters, seething. "I'm not going to do it,  
Creela! I won't!"

Creela sidled up and stood in front of her, cupping her chin with his  
hand. "Yes, you will."

"No, dammit! I'm not going to do that! She could die!"

"She won't die," soothed the conspirator. He took Kilira by the  
shoulders. "Kili, listen to me. You know they've never given me a female host.  
Never. I've always wanted it, but they've never done it."

"That's an unfortunate coincidence, nothing more," said the doctor  
defiantly.

"I know. But this is my chance, Kili. We're too far from our planet for  
them to send someone. When she starts to become ill, you'll get someone to put  
me... Denal, that is... in you."

"I didn't make it, Creela. So I became a doctor instead. What makes you  
think you'll be happy as me?"

"I must know," he said simply.

"Creela, don't do it. Your next host could be..."

"Could be. But I'll have to wait thirty more years. I'm tired of waiting.  
And what if the next one is male?"

Finally, Kilira sighed. "You're condemning Creela, that part of you, to  
death."

"I... I know, but I'm willing to do it, to... have my dream."

"Which of you is talking?"

"You know I can't separate myself like that."

Kilira looked away. "Yes, I know."

***

Beverly was walking down the corridor, humming happily to herself, when she  
encountered Denal's assistant in the corridor. "Ah, Doctor Crusher. I was  
looking for you."

"Why didn't you call me on the comm panel?"

Kilira looked confused. "Oh... yes. Actually, I didn't think of it. I  
wanted to ask if you'd like to see those files now? The ones about symbionts,  
hosts, and how the Trill have achieved this symbiosis?"

"Yes, I would."

"Good. Why don't you come to my quarters?"

"All right."

As the door opened, Kilira walked in quickly, and Beverly followed,  
saying, "I'm grateful to you for..." And then she slumped to the ground as the  
hiss of a hypospray was heard. 

"No!" said Kilira, too late. "Drugs could damage the symbiont!"

"Perhaps they won't," Denal said. "We can't do it with her conscious, can  
we?"

"I suppose not. Quickly, then!" Kilira instructed Denal. "Put her on the  
bed. You lay down next to her."

Denal did as he was told, stopping to kiss Kilira's forehead. "Thank you,  
Kili."

"You're committing suicide; at least half of you is. And how are we going  
to explain this to the crew?"

"They won't know... not for a while. And I'll think of something. For  
now, I just want to get it over with. Hurry!"

***

When Beverly began to regain consciousness, she felt... strange. There was  
someone else with her... she was someone else... she was Beverly Crusher, but  
she was Denal, too... She felt what the symbiont felt, remembered what the  
symbiont remembered, was happy at being a woman at last. Bev/Denal sat up.  
"Thank you, Kili," she said.

"How do you feel?"

"Wonderful!" She stood up and danced round in circles. "This is  
wonderful!"

"What about Creela? He'll die."

The doctor in Bev/Denal took over. "We can keep him in stasis for a  
while. Maybe we can come up with a way to keep him from dying.  
"  
"He needs a symbiont, now that's he's had one. He needs you. He'll die  
unless you call off this great experiment and let me put you where you  
belong."

But Bev/Denal only pressed her comm badge. "Crusher to Sickbay."

"Doctor Martin here."

"Send a medical team to Doctor Kilira's quarters immediately."

***

Riker stood at the door to Sickbay, conferring with the person he thought was  
Beverly. "What happened?"

"We won't know until I've done a lot more tests. Kilira will help me. I  
don't think it's dangerous to the crew; it seems to be something that only  
affects the Trill."

"You'll let me know when you find out what the problem is?"

"Of course." Bev/Denal nodded, noting not for the first time the sheer  
experience of Riker as a male... Bev/Denal had not felt that when she had been  
a man... It was powerful and primal. It was also wonderful. All the symbiont's  
questions were being answered. Bev/Denal had a brief thought of seducing  
Riker, but inside she knew that it wasn't really Riker she wanted.

When Riker had left, Bev/Denal and Kilira looked at each other with  
haunted eyes. "Beverly will survive this," the assistant said. "When they take  
you out, I'm going to have you tried for murder if Creela dies. Do you  
understand me?"

Bev/Denal ignored that. "How long does he have?"

"A day, maybe two."

"I'll work on something to keep him alive longer. Maybe he won't have to  
die."

"That's wishful thinking and you know it. But wish on if you must. I  
won't have anything more to do with this. And I am NOT becoming your next  
host!" She stormed out.

"That's what you think," said Bev/Denal to the empty room.

***

Two hours later, Captain Picard, having just returned from the meeting on  
Betazed, came to Sickbay to greet Beverly. She was seemingly engrossed in  
reading something on the computer, so he stood at the door. Within seconds,  
she looked up and smiled. "Jean-Luc. Just get back?"

"Yes."

"Enjoy yourself?"

"Would you, locked in a room with a bunch of Starfleet admirals?"

"I guess not. We on for dinner tonight, then?"

Picard turned and went towards the door. "Yes. Just making sure."

Bev/Denal nodded, and Picard left. And then she realised how quickly she  
had noticed... felt... his presence. He was the one she wanted, had always  
wanted, ever since she had met him all those years ago... But it was only now,  
that she was two people in one, that she recognised this. Bev/Denal stared at  
the computer screen and whispered softly to herself, "At last I'll find out  
the truth... At last."

***

They ate dinner in silence at first, but eventually, as Picard relaxed, he  
told her a little about the meeting, and everything was as it had been before  
he'd gone to Betazed. "And Admiral Nechayev says that command decisions should  
be queried more often, that ones which cause more trouble than they solve,  
should have to be explained in person."

"The Borg?"

"The Borg. I've explained so many times, it feels like I'm talking to  
Admiral Satie again. She's actually using this to try and give Starfleet  
Command stronger powers over her commanders."

"I don't think she'll get it right, Jean-Luc," said Bev/Denal. "They'd  
have to be crazy to listen to her over you, not after everything you've done  
for the Federation."

"Which anyone could have done, according to her."

"Not everyone, Jean-Luc." Bev/Denal looked up, then, as did Picard,  
startled by the change in the tone of her voice. Their eyes met. This is  
right, thought Bev/Denal. Everything will be right, at last. But Picard looked  
away. Having been rebuffed once already, he was understandably reluctant to  
make the first move a second time. But Bev/Denal said softly, "I should never  
have left, that night."

Picard looked into her eyes again. "What are you saying, Beverly?"

"I think you know."

"I think you must tell me. So there'll be no misunderstandings."

"It was a mistake," Bev/Denal said. "I love you. I want you. What more  
is there to say?"

"I said we shouldn't be afraid to explore our feelings, and you said we  
should. What changed your mind?"

"A lot of things, but I realised... I love you. I promise you, Jean-Luc,  
I won't make that mistake again."

Picard put down his fork, which he realised he'd been holding onto as if  
for dear life. He got up and walked around the table, holding out his hand.  
Bev/Denal took it, stood up, and hugged him.

When it ended, Picard leaned forward to kiss her, and it was then that  
a wave of dizziness came over the doctor. Picard caught her before she could  
fall. "Beverly?"

Trying to overcome the feeling, Bev/Denal whispered, "I'm fine, it's  
nothing..." 

But she swayed again, and Picard picked her up, carrying her over to the couch.  
Then he pressed his comm badge. "Picard to Doctor Martin."

"Martin here."

"Doctor Crusher is not well. Could you come to my quarters immediately?"

"On my way."

"No!" Bev/Denal tried to stand up so she could leave, but the dizziness  
would not recede. Damn! she thought to herself. Why didn't I administer an  
immunosuppressant? Bev/Denal had known about the rejection syndrome, but she  
had been feeling so well... no, correction: so good... that it hadn't seemed  
necessary. To be honest with herself, she'd forgotten. And now she was going  
to suffer the consequences, unless she could get away or persuade Doctor  
Martin that there was nothing wrong with her. 

Picard was having none of it. "Just lie back, Doctor." He'd gone all  
formal again, and this hurt Bev/Denal. "I want Doctor Martin to make  
absolutely sure that it's nothing serious."

"I can check myself over, Jean-Luc, really. I'm fine."

Picard ignored her protests and she couldn't prevent the other doctor  
from scanning her with his medical tricorder.

"These symptoms seem to parallel those of Commander Riker when..." Martin  
trailed off, scanning for something else. "Yes. Here it is. Doctor Crusher,  
or whoever you are, you..." He wasn't sure what to say, so he turned instead  
to Picard. "Doctor Crusher has a Trill symbiont within," he said.

"WHAT?" asked Picard. "How is that possible?" He looked at Bev/Denal.  
"What is going on?"

Bev/Denal didn't think trying to mislead the captain would work, but she  
had to give it a try anyway. "I'm fine, Jean-Luc. I think Doctor Martin has  
misread his tricorder."

"No, he hasn't," came a voice from the door, and they looked up to find  
Kilira standing there. She came in, and the door slid shut behind her. "He  
hasn't misread anything. There is a Trill symbiont inside the Doctor."

Picard got up, stood facing her. "Explain," was all he said.

"Denal... that is, the symbiont, has always wanted to be a woman. We...  
I took him out of his host, Creela, and placed him in Doctor Crusher. He  
planned that when Creela died, and when Doctor Crusher got sick, you would  
have no choice but to remove him and place the symbiont in me."

"Are you a Trill host?" queried Doctor Martin.

"No. I didn't make it. But Denal doesn't care. All he wants is to be female."

Picard turned to Bev/Denal. "Is this true?"

Bev/Denal looked away. "Yes. Captain, you must understand! I never knew  
what it was like, to be a woman. It's exciting, new, and wonderful! Things  
don't seem the same at all! And I love you! I know you love me, too, or  
you..." She trailed off. "I wanted you to make love to me, I wanted to know  
what it was, really, to be a woman."

"I'm sorry," said Picard, "but I cannot allow you to use the body of my  
Chief Medical Officer like this."

"Use it? We're both here, I'm one. I'm not using her, and she is not  
using me. I'm me now, and you can't change that without removing the  
symbiont."

Picard turned to Kilira and Doctor Martin. "Remove him."

"And then?" asked Martin.

Kilira suddenly said, "Creela is still alive! He's is stasis! We can put  
Denal back again!"

"No!" shouted Bev/Denal. "I won't let you do that to me again! I found  
freedom like this! We almost had it all, Jean-Luc! Don't take it away."

"I'm sorry," said Picard. "Beverly didn't consent to this, I'm sure, and  
if you stay in her she'll die. If we put you into Kilira, Creela will die.  
There isn't a choice here." He pressed his comm badge. "Captain to Security."

"Worf here, Sir."

"Mister Worf, I'm in my quarters with Doctor Crusher, Doctor Martin and  
one of our guests. I want you to escort Doctor Crusher to Sickbay. Make sure  
she does not leave your sight."

"Sir?" came Worf's voice.

"You heard me, Mister Worf."

"Aye, Sir."

***

Creela Denal woke up, to find Kilira standing over him. "I told you not to do  
this," he said. "I'm trapped again."

"No," said Kilira. "You were never trapped, you just never let yourself  
be. And I loved you. I did. I still do. But I've had enough of this. I'm going  
back home and you can find yourself another assistant."

"I love you," Creela suddenly said.

"I know."

"You know?"

"I always knew, but that didn't stop you from using me to get what you  
wanted. And I loved you, too. But you didn't want that, or me, not really.  
Goodbye, Creela."

Denal got up off the biobed. "Please. Don't leave me."

"How many relationships have you had?"

"Four."

"Children?"

"Five."

"And were you happy?"

"No."

"And you wouldn't be now, not even with me, not even though you - the you  
that is Creela Denal - love me."

"I've seen the other side now, Kili." He had seen. It wasn't enough to  
make him change his mind about being a woman, but he saw that it was something  
worth waiting for. And why be a lonely, bitter person while you were waiting?  
Why not try to be content, for this lifetime at least? So he continued, "I  
want to just be. Help me to try."

Kilira did love him, more than anything. She would never have done  
something so unethical if she hadn't. She wanted him to try. "All right. Maybe  
I'll help you. But before we leave this ship, I want you to apologise to  
Doctor Crusher."

"I will."

***

When Beverly saw Creela at the entrance to Sickbay she wanted to run away, but  
that would have been cowardice. She didn't know how to feel about when... when  
she'd been with him, been him, in fact. And he had finally made it possible  
for her to see the mistake she'd made in refusing Jean-Luc's love. "May I come  
in?" he was asking.

"Sure."

"Doctor Crusher, I'm sorry. Not for wanting to be a woman, not even for  
choosing you, but for making you suffer."

"It was a strange experience, but I learned a few things. I only hope you  
did." Somehow, Beverly couldn't feel angry. She supposed it was because she  
remembered everything, and it hadn't been unpleasant.

"I'm going to marry Kilira."

"Is that wise?"

"I love her; she loves me. We'll try."

"Well, good luck then," said Beverly, in a tone a trifle too high.

"What about you?" he asked. He knew she loved Jean-Luc and wanted him,  
but he also knew she was scared. And he knew what of. "Beverly, I mean, Doctor  
Crusher, it will be all right. He loves you, and that's what matters, not what  
might happen."

Beverly, not meeting his eyes, nodded. "I would have slept with him if  
I hadn't gotten dizzy, you know that. That was me."

"It wasn't only you, it was both of us. And it was right. You know that."

Beverly nodded again, still looking down.

"Goodbye, Doctor," said Creela.

***

Picard slowly woke up to the feel of someone else in his bed. Whoever or  
whatever it was, was managing to pull his pyjama top off. "What...?" he asked,  
as his mind cleared of sleep.

"It's just me," whispered a voice.

"Beverly? What are you doing?"

Suddenly she appeared above him, her arms on either side of his, looking  
down at him, her hair tickling his nose. "Actually, I was taking your pyjamas  
off..."

Picard said the only thing that came into his mind. "Why?"

"Because it's a little bit difficult to seduce a man who has pyjamas on,"  
she said playfully, and then he realised that all she had on was a silk robe,  
the sash of which was undone... But she didn't move, merely looked down at  
him, waiting for him to do something, dammit, before she decided that this  
hadn't been such a good idea at all.

She had debated with herself for hours over her love for him, the fact  
that being scared was just silly... and she'd come to the conclusion that she  
did love him, and that she wasn't going to wait until the next day to tell  
him, either.

Picard suddenly reached up and pulled her down on top of him, his lips  
meeting hers, and in that instant all his love for her, all his need of her,  
all his want for her, came rushing back. One hand caressed her back through  
the robe, while the other tangled in her hair and they explored each others'  
mouths for the longest time. 

Finally Beverly pulled away, her breathing extremely accelerated, and sat up   
on top of him. "This is right, isn't it," she said. It was a statement, not a question.

"Oh, yes," Picard managed.

Beverly shrugged out of the robe. "Are you going to make love to me now,  
Jean-Luc?" she asked.

Picard could only look at her wordlessly, captivated by her sheer beauty  
and elegance. He had wanted her for as long as he could remember, and now,  
here she was. He wanted to be part of her, to blend with her for all eternity,  
because he loved her, because it was right. So he nodded.

"Say the words, Jean-Luc. Say them."

"I love you," he said. "I want to make love to you."

"And I love you, too," she said, lying back down, looking down into his  
eyes. And when he kissed her this time, and moved on top of her, and made love  
to her, he felt he had come home... And a part of him wondered why they had  
both waited so long.

THE END


End file.
